Top 10 Outrageous Apple News Stories For 2006

Looking back over these past 3 months I have felt a strong disturbance in the Force. Going back to January and reviewing popular news stories concerning Apple has left me with the distinct impression that no one has ANY clue as to where Apple is going next. Most pundits agree that OS X 10.5 will be released this year, (however they are only sure of that because it wouldn’t make sense to jump from 10.4 to 10.6) and new Macs featuring the Intel processor are a lock, even though no one has even guess when they might come out or with what processor. And. . . that is about it. Everything past that is speculation. Some it wild, some it of hopeful and, if you read John C. Dvorak’s blog (he was the one who said Apple will switch to Windows), some of it stark raving mad.

However, to help everyone out, and to ensure that panic doesn’t take over, I have compiled a list of stories that will appear in the coming months. I mention them now so as to warn you, in the hopes you will not let your imaginations trample your common sense.

10. Apple closes French iTMS, resulting panic causes French civil war, EU considers sanctions against Apple.

9. Dell designers + Alienware designers combine like Voltron to form the ugliest hardware cases in the known galaxy. Michael Dell surprised that new chrome plated XPS systems don’t sell well, in spite of their glowing red and blue warp nacelles.

8. Every 8th commercial during prime time is for an iPod, no advertising for the computers Apple also sells is ever seen.

7. Dvorak says something else crazy and everyone is amazed. Concerned Apple users send him straight jacket so during next relapse he won’t hurt himself.

6. Apple will announce a special event. Think Secret will publish a detailed story, backed by a secret “inside source” which details the products to be released. They will be completely incorrect and as soon as the event is over, will act like their previous story never existed. No corrections will be printed, no explanations given. The site’s creator will then whine and complain when people don’t consider him a real journalist.

5. The next iPod will become so small they will become accidentally lodged in various human orifices. The same guy who sued Apple because his iPod could make him deaf will try to bring another class action lawsuit against Jobs & co.

4. Steve Jobs will open up his own line of clothing and cologne. Even he will be surprised at how well it sells. Next Christmas another ex-Microsoft employee will shock the world with tales of Ballmer ripping his shirt off when he found out the Christmas present he was wearing was official S.J. cologne. Chairs and perfume counters everywhere shudder in terror.

3. There is no number three, I ran out of ideas at number six and have been making things up since then. This entry is part filler, part “are you still paying attention?” test. Yes, I know I could have taken this one out but no one ever reads “Top 9” lists for some reason.

2. Half a dozen viruses and security holes will be found in OS X. Only they aren’t real viruses. Ok, maybe they are just worms. Or hacks. Well, really it’s just a rootkit. I mean, a proof of a rootkit. Er, a rumor about a proof of a rootkit. That could be bad. Maybe. If you gave a complete stranger an account on your computer. And you were a moron.

1. Video iPod not released, hordes of crazed Mac zealots gather outside Cupertino with torches and pitchforks. The ensuing riot does nothing to help the “Mac users are psycho” label they seem to be branded with for some reason . . .